1st Corinthians, 13: 4-8... Some of the best advice ever given to me was on a missions trip in college 8 years ago.. our Bible leader said make it with Every Effort put fourth that you have to live by this replacing the word "LOVE" with your name... It truly cannot be done by any human no matter who you are.. only by God every second of every day can he use his name as a replacement! ;)
I have been on a Sabbatical for the past ten days, only twenty more to go where I have really made myself focus on my life, what it means, what I have been doing, and how to do it much better in God's eyes because I certainly haven't done a fabulous job here lately, and I know that to be a concrete fact as well as my wonderful hubby! I have met so many amazing people that God has brought into my life over night and just talking with them and hearing their stories, I am blown away by such an amazing support group that God has lead me to in getting the help I need through voices of reason, so to speak. lol I would like to tell you a bit of what I have discovered upon my search in life and where I stand so here it all goes:
Some of the times I go on, but I'm not living. I function, but at times its so hard to feel. It's the only way I can get through each day, pay the bills, clean the house, and a thousand other things that engage my body, but not my heart and mind. It amazes me that no one can see death in my eyes. They are so oblivious to what is really going on in side of my mind and no one sees the behind the scenes except for Hailey and Brad, oh how amazing are they! Everyone seems to have remained just the same, but with babies or huge bellies when I've been changed forever. At times I just feel wounded and am wandering around like the living dead in the middle of the hottest desert and it sucks! Then comes the night, the quiet, stillness, and the pain. I am shattered. Somehow I can't share this pain. It's too overwhelming, too powerful. It doesn't have a voice, just a deep and broken moaning of the spirit, a silent communion of the soul with the very God who willed this path for me. Just talking with him and crying out to him is sometimes all I can do and I don't even know why? What is wrong with me? Why am I at this point to where it is a dull blur most days? Could it be because I am not going to have children of my own? That idea is out and that book is closed so why not get over it you say? As the Golden Girls stated in one episode, which I love by the way, they said they don't know what they feel, but then they feel it all; anger, resentment, hatred, love, compassion, sadness, etc.. The list goes on and on and will never end, so the only word for those moments are Mengenta.. an ugly color with no feeling, but yet every feeling imaginable.. Make sense? I think everyone, especially women have those Mengenta moments at times. Then I came across a dear friend who had said this and I couldn't have put it into better words of how I have felt and discovered on this ten day journey. She said I KNOW that God is good. I KNOW that God is wise. I KNOW that God is love. And I KNOW that God's will and purposes are formed in perfect goodness and perfect wisdom and perfect love. I know this, and I accept His purposes for my life. But that doesn't stop the pain. And that doesn't stop the questions. Why did He create life in me when I wasn't even trying to conceive and then wait just long enough for me to fall in love with my babies and then take them right out of my womb? Why?
Loss after loss I've asked the same questions. And loss after loss I've received the same answer--Trust Me. Love Me. I am here. Yes, I trust You. Yes, I love You. Yes, I know that You are here. But...Do you ever want to ask God to leave you alone? To let you live your life in peace? I do, or at least a part of me does. A part of me wants to beg God not to teach me His ways, not to mold me to His likeness, not to use me in His service. But then I think, what would life be like without Him? Would there be less pain? I don't think so, life is painful, with or without Him. I just wouldn't have Him to comfort, guide, and carry me. Would there be more peace? No, life is chaotic, with or without Him. I just wouldn't have Him to shelter me in the storms. Would there be more hope? Impossible, life is short and has a clearly marked dead-end without Him. He is hope. He is my only hope. Without him I couldn't and wouldn't get through my days. Without him I wouldn't enjoy a child's laugh, a baby's giggle, a beautiful masterpiece painted in the sky. The way the wind sways the trees, the way the animals in my yard all harmonize if you listen carefully and closely enough. So many things that I would miss if I didn't have the hope I do. The hope that I will get through this and that God is teaching us an amazing lesson, the hope that Hailey, Graham, and Braelyn will continue to love me just as they do their "biological" parents. Hope that my husband will continue to talk with me and walk me through all of this and as we are hand and hand on this journey, to love, cherish, and embrace one another that we are not alone in this and that we have one another to amazingly pull us through this pit. There is so much hope to have and hope to give as I have learned from so amazing people this past month so far. I know that I will be fine and that we will have ourselves, our lives to continue writing a blessed story and that while we will never be our old selves again, we will be new and renewed spirits, ones that are continuing and striving to be more like Christ each and every second of every day and maybe that is the grandest lesson of all. :)
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