I had gotten bad, but had let go. I told God that I was done. I was mad and angry, but decided to get on board with him and stop trying to do it my way. You know, you don't have to be a druggie or alcoholic to be addicted, to need help, to be so far lost that you end up losing everything? You just have to have something that destroys you, something that you need so badly you will do anything and everything to get that one thing no matter what it cost you, even if it's your life.It was rough, but after a few months, I recovered. Brad got back his wife, Hailey got back her mom, and I became happy again. I admit I didn't attend any baby showers and I was fearful for a while, but I was ok. I was happy, I was at peace with God. Things happened the way Brad didn't want them to, but I got my child out of it, Hailey. Through that pain he went through, God gave me a child all along, I was just to naive to see it this whole time. I had always loved her and she was mine, but now she was my one and only and that was something that I now treasure no matter what. Well that may have been all that I needed, all that we needed, was to let go and let God. We quickly found out I was pregnant again, this time it was all God. Something that they said couldn't be done was done. I was pregnant and naturally pregnant. We didn't tell many, but we had to begin all of the shots, medications, and so fourth again. This time I was ok with doing all of that, I was doing what the unexpected brought. I was nervous, I cried, I didn't want it now. I admit I had gotten ok with the idea, and now look what happened? Maybe that is all I needed to do, all we needed to do. Is trust God and have faith that he knows our desires and wishes, but they will come as he plans not as we do. Things went very well. We told all and Hailey announced the news, we figured this was not us trying this was the impossible, something happened that couldn't be done without help had been and we were eager and waiting for this miracle from God. We had great check-ups, and we went every two weeks because of so many problems to make sure things were going all right. Things looked up, we cried out to God that if this is what we are suppose to do, then great, but whatever happens, its because its your will not ours. I began to get big very quickly and things seemed great, then at 10 weeks, I begin to miscarry again or so I thought. I was ok though, Brad was a bit upset, but I think more for me and he didn't want to see me go through more pain, especially after all of the wrestling and finally coming to a peace.We went to the doctor prepared to hear the news that we were so accustom to. I was ok, a bit upset that I had finally let go and was ok not to have children of my own? I thought that's mean to tease me, but if God gave us this then he will use it for good, everything will be ok. It turned out Lupus was a factor, I had a large sub chronic hematoma.There was nothing they could do, it didn't seem to bother the baby and the baby seemed content, so that was all that mattered to me. The SCH could either reabsorb into my body, bleed out, or it could rupture the placenta. We were going for the first two and the second option seemed to be what it was doing. I thought I was ok and I was at peace. You don't expect to see bright blood during pregnancy, especially lots of it and for the whole nine months you are pregnant, but I was ok. What happens, is what is suppose to happen. I don't know if it was so much me trusting and believing is God as it was me just thinking the same thing will happen to be prepared? Maybe both, but I was ok. Well for the next month I was pregnant alright. Large, sick and happy. I seemed almost too large, at 12 weeks, Hailey accepted the Lord and that was the greatest thing ever, the baby that was due in January of 2011 that seemed to be our miracle baby was ok despite the problems, and big sister was accepting God. Two of the biggest things that I will never forget that made this mommy so proud that I will always remember that day. Well at 14 and a half weeks, we went in for a checkup and I was ok as was Brad, everything that seemed not normal was ok, but the baby wasn't. I was already 2 cm dilated and we had planned to visit my doctor, go meet a specialist, and then head to the beach. Well instead I had to stay and we had to plan a D&C, it was too big for me to be in that pain and I already was starting to feel it. I was scheduled to go into surgery at 6am that next morning, instead I went into labor at 2am and by 6am I was in so much pain that I didn't want to let go, but I didn't want to suffer. I still thought my baby was ok, God intervened right? It was a miracle baby right? Why did he calm my nerves, calm Brads, get Hailey and everyone else excited, and then take another baby away from us, a fourth one. I remember we were both very upset, me because I kept telling the doctors that baby is ok, I just saw the baby kicking and moving around the other day, save him, don't worry this pain is just the SCH. Brad was upset I think more for me because I was in denial. Why? I think it is hard to lose a child no matter if its age, that is your child and I was hurt and went through many emotions and held nothing back. I admit I was very depressed, very angry, very hurt after letting go. I had found out that I hadn't fully let go, that God was still testing us. I went under at 8 am after much pain and contractions, and woke up to more pain than I had ever experienced in my life. What was going on? I had had a D&C before and it was simple, I was ready to leave as soon as I woke up. I dose in and out and felt so badly. When I finally awoke enough to see Brad, he told me that things went terribly wrong. The simple procedure turned into much more, I begin to bleed to death so a c section was in order and that was done, The bleeding miraculously stopped and all was ok for now. I was ok, still wanting my baby, the one that was ok the one that was sent to me as a wonderful surprise after giving up and moving on. Brad was upset more over me, he said enough is enough and that is all he could do. After I heard all of the horror stories of what was going on and how Brad felt, I said that I was done. No more. I knew that it wasn't worth my life just to have this baby I had wanted. Why did God do this was my only question? Why tease us? Why get us so far? Was he serious? We became closer to one another and to God and saw that he was teaching us many more things through all of this and it wasn't just for us. He was drawing us closer and closer to him and that's what he wanted. Even though it was in pain and heartache this was the only way he could jerk us to be more like him, to show and teach others about how amazing he is, about how to grow closer and become more like him. It is not the best way to learn a lesson, but when you think of your suffering, have you ever thought about his? He is still suffering with us, he is just taking us down a road that will only create a more powerful healing if we just hold on to what he is handing out and showing us.We still get upset, but he has taught us so much through all of this. Babies were just not in our plans and while that's the hardest thing ever, it's ok. It has to be because it is his will, not ours.
No comments:
Post a Comment