Testing.. how wonderful? Anything to "Fix Me"...

We begin the series of testing.. yes there was alot of pain and alot of crying because there were many needles, and many emotions going through us both at that point. We wanted to know if we were doing something wrong, then how do we fix it. The whole time we didn't realize, especially me that it wasn't something that we could fix, it was something that was trying to fix us. This whole time, we were the ones that needed to be fixed. God was trying to show us that we are going about it all wrong, we are not doing what we are suppose to, we are not following his plans. We are not doing what he wants us to do. We really were awakened to see that God was trying to bring us peace and joy and comfort, but not through our plans, but through his. After weeks of testing, we found out there were alot of reasons why babies were not working for us. None of which were Brad's and that was hard on us both. He wanted to fix the situation and I wanted to fix myself to bring us both what we longed for. Through all of the testing, they found many things that contributed to my miscarriages. They found the gene for Cystic Fibrosis, they found that I had APS which is a form of the disease Lupus, they found out I had thyroid disease which is a big factor in baby formation, and the list continued on top of my heart and congenital defects. It was hard to stomach all of that. I blamed myself for it all, I was the one that was broke, I was the one who kept killing our babies, I was the murderer. We got a new game plan together, one that said that worked 50 % of the time. They said Lupus would be my biggest competitor and that Lupus women there was no safe zone. It is a horrible disease that can attack anything foreign in your body and that includes a baby, no matter whether it is 4 weeks old or 40 weeks. I thought, oh great, I was struggling to get to 12 weeks, now I have to get to the actual holding of my baby to make sure he or she is ok? Pregnancy was no longer a joyous thing for us, something that is suppose to be fun, was turning into a nightmare. We really had to regroup and do this all a different way. We decided that God would allow us to have one if it was in his will, all we could do is what we could do, the rest was up to him. We really did a 360 and really turned to God and I think that is were we were going wrong in the first place. Children are a gift from him, they are his and not ours, we are only allowed to parent and raise them until he calls his children whether it is at an infant or when they are 80 years old. We let go and let God.. so we thought. I begin a series of medications including pills, shots, and everything in between including the fertility treatments. We gave up and said we will do this but if it is meant to be, than it will be if not, Hailey may be our only blessing and that's ok that's just something we will deal with, especially me. The medications and shots were alot more than what we thought and what we could handle. Brad was not happy about the marks they were leaving and the pain they caused at first. I don't know if it was pain from the medications and needles, or pain that I was doing all of this just for a baby, why me? A wise man once told me during all of this, is it really worth it? Have you ever considered that you are so addicted that this has become a drug that's literally destroying your body and your life? Why are you putting yourself through all of this? Is it worth it to loss everything to gain something even if it means losing the greatest thing that God placed on this earth and in our life's, you? I decided to quit all after that. It wasn't worth it if my husband was that upset. I thought what have I done? I have destroyed something amazing that I had, why was I not looking to God instead of what Kasey wanted? I had decided to give up shortly after beginning. I thought I am done, as much as I want children, its not worth be losing some amazing things that God did place in my life. Why not just let go? Why not see that I have everything I need and if adoption is the choice, even though that child is not mine, it will be saved and loved and accepted and have a far better life than it could ever imagine. So I quit.... I told God that I am done fighting and I am going to do what I am suppose to, it was all up to him, show me what to do? My addiction has to stop...