My last chance at children and I feel as if I have blown it, failed. As a woman, as a mother, as a spouse, and as a person that is to contribute towards society. All of my family and friends have children, most even multiples and I am still left cold and empty handed. There are no words to describe my hurt and pain. There are so many emotions that have gone though me these past five months and each one has been different and at each given moment. I am almost like a ticking bomb that explodes whenever and where ever. One minute I am fine and ok with the fact that we have been through the conceiving thing, the adoption thing, every thing in between and nothing. Disappointment after disappointment and still .. there is nothing to show for it but scars and hurt and pain both physical and emotional. I see so many pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and even adoption announcements that I can do nothing but cry out in pain for the Lord to heal my broken heart. Every time that I do joke or have something funny to say, I always get bashed with it being the wrong thing because of people taking it the wrong way. Well if I can't have children, might as well joke about it and have a good laugh because I have had way too many good cries and am about done with those. The Lord says that going through this pain will only make me stronger and only create me to become more like him and better molded to the image that he wants me to be. I think often about Mary seeing her baby boy on the cross, doing something that was so unbearable, so hurtful, but he did it because that's what he was called to do while she sat there. I hear whispered in my ear quite often, your not the only one who lost your only son, I have also I watched my son be beaten and then die while I just stood there helpless and afraid. I wept just as you have, but I have seen the end result and its something that I can't see just as Mary couldn't see at the time either. All things work together for good and I know that there is a magnificent blessing that is going to arise out of these tears, ashes, and scars one day. I may not see it here on earth, but I will see it one day, none the less and I can't wait for that day. I am happy for everyone who is able to be as blessed as the Lord allowing them his children while we are here on earth to raise, mold, and love. I really have to deal in my own way with everything that has happened recently, but in time, I will deal. No it won't go away, and as my support group says, it could be twenty years from now and I suddenly begin to weep for Colton and the other babies, but I will be ok because I ask God to allow me to draw strength from him and he has allowed me in magnitudes at times. If I am not able to see you, to talk to you, or to be around you; please don't take it personally and don't think that I am being rude or hateful. It's just the opposite. I love you guys so much to stay away and to allow you your happiness and your time of becoming that grand role of mommy. The Lord has a hand in this, just as he has all along. I am so happy to talk about Colton and I am so in love with him and love to share him with everyone as crazy as that sounds, but please don't pay any attention to my emotional roller-coaster as I don't even know the ride myself. Some of my closest and dear friends are in these stages, one being my very best friend since before words; and I write this to you guys to let you know that I love you all and am happy for you no matter how you take it or I seem to dish it out, you guys are going to do so well with your pregnancies, adoptions, and babies and I am praying for you guys and can't wait to see those amazing gifts from God.. depending upon the day, time, hour, and possibly even the second... ?!?!?
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