Where To Go From Here?

I called Uva today to see about Colton's test and what may have came back and anticipate us talking with the Doctors at Uva soon to sort of see what has been happening and what has been going on. There couldn't be anything further possibly that I have, but then again you never know. I think the test results will come back just as the Lupus being the cause of poor Colton's heart to stop although I am hoping for something else, something that my body, for once, did not do. Brad said he hopes for answers as well so that we will have a definite anwser, but in my mind, the answer is Lupus and there is nothing more than can be done about that terrible disease other than to pray and know that God made me so fearfully and wonderfully that I wouldn't want it any other way. He allowed me to have these issues and with them, they will only make my walk with him stronger and that much more desirable.  Its a 50/50 shot, and I have been on the other side of the 50 all 5 times. It is hard when I walk by and see pregnant woman or to hear the news of pregnancies which seem to occur on a weekly basics with my friends and family now, but I am healing and dealing with these things the best that I know how to and the best help I can get is to lean on the Lord and let him take over and guide my chaotic, whirlwind life and hold on for dear life because I know he is planning something grand, something beyond our wildest dreams and I can't wait until that day. As the Lord places us in these circumstances, he is only wanting us to grow and fall more deeply and whole heartily in love with him and we cannot be upset that the Lord wants us so close to him that he is allowing us to grow so deep and more in love through all of this pain and tragedy. When Brad and I talk about everything that has went on and where to go from here, we are at a stand still and the room is so quiet and dark. We know that there is not much that can be done!? Why? We want children, of course, to be called Mommy would be music to my ears and to have a little boy call Brad, daddy, would only complete the puzzle after Hailey being such a gift. Out of all of the hurt, confusion, despair, disappointments, etc we have come to this conclusion. We, as parents, have a precious daughter named Hailey, and for now we are ok. We are going to take all of the baby news in stride, behind close doors grieve, and in public spoil the amazing gift that we have to the maximum and when Hailey is at school or isn't with us, then we will ride motorcycles, travel, seeing the world. There is nothing better than being on the back of a bike with no where to go, looking at nature, and listening to God. God and I have had many fights, many arguments, many laughs over the last few weeks, but all and all he is telling me to wait my precious child. Wait for what is coming to you, enjoy Hailey and spoil her. Look at it this way you got the best end of the deal, Hailey was three when you came into the Mommy role. You just so happened to miss not having your beauty sleep, the dirty diaper, the puking, the crying and all that came along with a little one. All you have to do is enjoy her, love her, and borrow her clothes every now and again. LOL And as for Graham and Braelyn, those two are amazing kids, that over this past summer, I have gotten to know so well, as for Brad. Spoil them, love them, and send them back home when they are tired and cranky and then hop on the bike and travel with your sweet partner in life. So when we look at it, we look at a HUGE loss, a HUGE puzzle piece that is missing in our lives, 5 pieces to be exact, but we have so much to be thankful for, to love on, and to cherish. We are going to talk with the specialist soon to see if answers are given, but for now, in our lives we will love our precious gift. If the results come back and something is found, we will know and be at peace, especially me, but if not, we will know that the only children that we are to have are those three angels here on earth and those five angels we will see again some day and that is OK with us! Showers will still be probably a no for us, and pregnant woman will be something we will avoid when possible, not out of hate, but out of love for them to have their moments, their precious bellies, their new life being created. Don't get us wrong. We are so happy and so amazed when our friends become pregnant and it takes A WHOLE LOT of Jesus for us to deal mentally and me physically with the nine months that follow that news. But God will give us the strength to congratulate, to see pictures, and to catch up on the phones with the happy couples. It's more hard for me to see a belly, and for Brad, a little boy running around, but time will pass and we will be soon caught up in our lives and how amazing it will be; Hailey's first car, prom, wedding, and grand babies 100 years from now! Life is grand, and we are happy that we are able to serve the Lord through all of this. To love him and have him as our strength and refuge. There is nothing sweeter than knowing that this life is only a temporarily one and that one day soon, the best life that we can imagine will come and we will be in Heaven! So until then.. We have So Much Love For Everyone while we are here on this earth ;) and we wish you nothing but the very best that this life can offer. Just remember to look to Jesus for each and every little thing; and when your at the mountain top, be sure to wave at us and enjoy what all God has blessed you with, love it and cherish it and thank him dearly for it all, and when you have to go through the valley, just remember you are all learning and getting that much stronger and that much more Christ like!