Hey Guys...
Wow I haven't posted in a while, there has really been alot going on! Most of it has been surprisingly good, although the world wouldn't think of it as so great, I am thinking of it as being wonderful! I feel as if I am truly finally getting this thing, finally figuring out what in the world God is doing to me, to us, to my family! At times, I still have my fleshly moments and feel like I will always have them, because while I am trying my best to always live and strive to to be more holy, I am only human still. 
This past May was one that I was dreading and really just wanted the whole month to pass by in the blink of an eye and really never surface. That would have been great.. in my mind at least.. but that wasn't what the Lord wanted to happen. Colton's birthday was May 11, which would have meant a whole weekend of celebration! Could you have imagined? If our precious baby boy was still here, we would have been broke after a miracle babies first year of life! While we reminisce about what could have been and what we think, should have been, we begin to realize what really is.. and what IS is GOD! He has a perfect plan for our lives, our ENTIRE lives from beginning to end and he is the creator of all living things and he is the father of all things, who are presently here, and who have gone on! On that Wednesday, May 9th, we went to our first doctors office to see our new baby, the baby who had comforted me and who have really put my mind to ease with Colton's  mark of one year begin gone. Yes, I was pregnant again.. a 6th baby, one that I thought was gold, but then I'm always hopeful for all of my babies, that one, one day, one that will be THE ONE, the one that makes it and the one that we have prayed over to actually be.
 This visit was a visit that was like no other. We had already gone to two visits and that have given us nothing but bad news.. no baby, ectopic, etc.. something wasn't right. The dates were not measuring with what "should have been" there already seen with a visible eye. With our strength and our trust in the Lord, it seemed and was different. Not to say that I had not trusted in the Lord, but ever since Colton, I have had a different outlook on life! Colton was here for a while to really do more than any of us could have ever done! He brought his parents closer than ever before, really allowed his sister to step out, accept God and really dive into her faith and love for Christ. So many people where changed and so many people are still changed by Colton. I am able to talk with people, to share with people, to love on people about what they are going through and at the end of the day, still able to praise his name for HIS plans and not mine. I had never been able to do that before TOTALLY and COMPLETELY! I had so much run through me in any given day; hate, anger, jealously, resentment, sadness, joy, etc... the list is never ending. 
That whole month of May should have been a nightmare, but it really wasn't. We just trusted in the Lord and knew that he had a plan. Of course we wanted a baby, we still do, very much so, but it will be on the Lords timetable and not ours! I have come to the realization and have had to cope with that and it is something that has not been easy at all. It is something that I have to wrestle with and deal with daily. I have to let go and let God because if I don't, its not a pretty picture at times. After many visits, and many days of the doctors telling us yet again, there is no hope. Sure there is hope. There is always hope in the Lord, with trust and faith in the Lord, anything imaginable can happen. Anything BEYOND a science mind or what should be. Well after a month of all of this, we go in and see the little baby, the one that had not been there for weeks. Looked healthy, happy and fine what we knew all along. Sadly a week later we went back because although there was growth and a baby that mysteriously appeared, there was not a heartbeat, it had went away and sadly on fathers day we lost our sixth child. Are did we lose the child really? The child, all of the children, are not ours to begin with, but his. He merly grants us the privilege of raising the children as they should be, training them to do well, training them to be disciples of Christ. We are all called to Christ someday, just some of us sooner than others. 
Ironically, I have gone through everything that is possibly imagined to go through, natural losses, surgical losses, c sections that went terribly wrong, and of course the birth of Colton. 
When you think of everything that has happened to us in the past six years when we began this journey of parenthood, we would have never have thought that this all would take place. But it has, and it has taken place for a reason, a reason that I am starting to sort of see the light to. We have joked for the past few years saying that triplets would be nice, to get one nice, happy, successful pregnancy out of the way and in one shot, and four of the kids that we have always wanted, there is always that chance and maybe the Lord will answer that prayer, but if not, it is something that he has already cooked up and he already has had it in the crock pot baking whatever our journey he has for us is. After all, I wasn't suppose to be here, science didn't give me 8 hours, let alone 28 years! LOL
 He is such a good God, one that I have truly learned from, one that I have had many nights, battles, tears, etc with, but one that always allowed me to come to him and come back to him no matter how mad or hurt I had gotten. He is certainly what has kept me sane and he has been my rock. I still have moments to where I wonder what in the world would we have done with seven kids, what our lives would be like, and then I think.. If it was meant to be, then it would have been perfect! 


I think of children all the time, but I think of them and how there are so many here that I am able to love on and show affection to. There are children all around us that we love, many are friends children, some are family, but all children are precious and to have those smiles, laughs, and times with them just makes you really enjoy what you have. I have had to look back and really place myself out of the equation. I have so much to be thankful for, so much that I have been given, and that is why I am at peace finally.


 I have finally realized that I don't need children, it is simply a want. I don't have to have them or crave for them, they simply are all around me very freely giving out their love, hugs, and smiles. I don't have to go though all of the pain of losing children, instead I embrace the experiences, learn from them, and teach others and mentor to others that are going through losses themselves and how they will survive and teach them that  there will be hope at the end of the tunnel. I don't have to fuss that so many that I know seem to not deserve children or even want them have them every year it seems and be angry towards them for getting as many as they wish no matter how badly they live their lives, instead I must pray for them and smile even some to, for I know this is the only enjoyment they will get the short time they are alive on this earth, for when they pass on, they will not be able to be with their children for an eternity as we will. There is so much that I have learned, so much that I am learning, and so much that I still wish to teach myself through the Lords help that will allow me to embrace a half a dozen losses, and instead smile because God is working something great! I know this.. because the BIBLE told me so! 
So for the moment, I have really embraced what I have and remember what I was once given. I hold on to what memories I have and look forward to the ones that will soon come. I love life and enjoy it now more than ever though these heartaches then I ever have. Why? Because I have the most amazing teacher who kept on giving me the test even though I didn't want to take it, until I got it right. I have the most amazing supportive husband who has gone through what seems like hell and back, and still is with me and we are more in love now then we were seven years ago when we met.. most days... lol 
 They say that if you really live your life to the fullest and really study hard and really pay attention to the teacher and get what he is teaching you, then this earth will only be the hell you will ever have to endure. Same goes the opposite way, it could be the only heaven you embrace. So choose wisely, learn what is taught no matter how many times it takes (6), and always run back to the teacher to thank him for everything and you will be at so much more peace no matter what life will throw your way, and trust me I feel like it still is coming... Love you Guys