Babies.. oh my..

We started for our second. Everyone seemed upset, but it was something we dealt with and moved on. Maybe because we were a younger couple who could deal, maybe we had fought with God, had our battle, and figured that's what was to happen, that was the plan? I really don't remember how long it took, but getting back to normal things and putting it out of our minds seemed to work a little better. I still fight with God about why and what did I do and all those questions you deal with when you lose someone close to you, but it's not my place to demand an answer, I can ask, but that doesn't mean he has to answer me with a response. It's just my place to except and move on. Brad is an amazing man and just seeing him through that loss and helping me and us dealing with it together made all the sense in the world that God really does know what he is doing because he is heaven sent and just what I needed to help me, to be my life partner. We got pregnant again and were due February 2009. Yep, that mixture worked and worked well, we were a bit shaky and didn't tell many about the news so quickly. We wanted to hold off and not burden our family with another loss if that was what was in store. This time I made it to 9 weeks! I was a huge accomplishment for me, three weeks more, but still upsetting when the same things begin to happen. There were so many things going through our mind, we both thought was is going on, what are we doing. We are both young, happy, healthy, and life is good why is it throwing us the bad cards in the deck? We told no one and I decided that I would just have it naturally. It was a good idea for me, because to just take my baby the first time and for us not to have that closure was something we wanted, especially me at the time, but now when I look back it left us more empty. So delivering that baby at home, with just my husband was better for us. It wasn't much and really we saw nothing that resembled a baby, but the thought that no one took my baby, that the doctors and hospital didn't suction my baby out like a horror movie made us feel better, even thought the same emotions came through. It was alot better on us, but still hard. I guess the babies were tiny, almost just the circle you would see on the screen, so that wasn't as devastating to us. We decided to try once more. The doctors said that all of your fertility treatments could cause miscarriages and that it wasn't ever a 100% certainly there was always that possibility. Why was it happening to me? Come on this is the second baby. They said that they don't test anyone until after the third miscarriage becuase miscarriage seemed to be a common thing and that it was alot easier to miscarry than to have and keep a pregnancy. Are you kidding me? So we figured the third time was a charm and we were ready for a baby so badly. We begin the treatments again. Why would you say that I put myself and Brad through all of this? I guess it was a desire? Almost a drug? I have always been so determined and so stubborn and I was going to achieve the impossible. I have always managed to do so and this task was no different. I wanted a baby, I wanted to be a mommy, I wanted to experience pregnancy and life and all that in between. Yes Hailey was mine, but Brad got to experience that part not me. The pregnancy kicks, the birth, the 2am feeding's, and all that in between. I guess its just something a woman has to experience? She was put on this earth to procreate so why was it not happening. All of my friends and family were pregnant or on their second or third babies, why me? I started off wanting a full family, but now I just wanted one? Just one baby to call my own and say that's my blood, that's what my husband and I created, that's what I did. I wanted to be a parent, raise that child, and mold and teach that child everything that I knew. This was not easy and it was beginning to be a task, a task that we were not prepared for. A task that in lamins terms, sucked, and sucked pretty bad. I had alot of jealously and angry and hate as did Brad. We tried not to show it, it was much harder for me than it was for him. I felt like a failure. Why could I not do something that was suppose to be natural, something that I wanted to give my husband and myself, something that I was placed on this earth to do as a woman. I was mad at everyone, but was determined to prove everyone wrong...