The Calm after the Storm...

We are both doing ok. We have had lots of sad moments, but some happy ones too just thinking about our precious baby boy. We feel so very blessed and glad we were able to see our baby boy and hold him, love on him and experience it all. He was a precious baby and he was very big for his age. He looked great and he was very strong and seemed to smile the whole time. I'm not going to lie and say it was fine and we are all of because it is hard, we lost our son. We lost daddy’s little boy. Something he has always wanted and what I finally thought I could give him.. But we both know that all things work for the glory of God and his playground of angels had one more opening. It's also hard because of being put on bed rest this whole pregnancy because of my high risk pregnancy and having all these 5 months to bond with him and all the suffering and us being so far along and so close, but I'm glad we were able to do it all, to have that time and I am glad I was able to do natural labor. By the way, I've also had a c - section and I chose labor any day lol. But I'm glad I got to do it ALL. I wanted to give birth to a healthy baby, and that's just what the Lord allowed me to do, so why be upset? Wish our boy was here. It was a shock and it still is a shock, but God has better plans.. maybe quads?? Two of each double your rewards?? Just joking .. I wish.. not so much Brad's wish haha. God's got this and he's got us too.. It's just really hard because it was such a shock to go into a normal check up and find your son dead, a fifth baby gone, with nothing but emptiness and heartache and wondering why God is doing this to us? But then we think, God knows exactly what we are dealing with and going through. After all he lost HIS son too, and not in the peaceful way that we did ours! So we turn to him, as a father who had watched his son die just as Colton David did. It's hard because it will be another long recovery, probably more than usual with the others because he was our son, a son who had a name, who had a Dr. Seuss room, a big sister waiting, and now he too, is gone. At times I still think that he may be with us, sitting here feeling kicks, being sick, and all that I have been doing, but that’s just denial and the pain of being selfish and wanting him back with me. The room is silent and cold, when we should be waking up to at least Colton David cooing and crying if not five babies by now over all of these years. We don't know where to go from here, but there will be healing, some has already begun and each day we slowly understand why all this is happening, and slowly see God in this and in each of our tragedies even though it seems cruel that God would keep taking the one thing we both wanted so badly. Why get us so far and so excited and then pull it from under us without any warning or explanation you say? Well we have said the same thing over and over again. We are at a loss and baffled, but there’s not much we can do but just wait and pray that God heals our hearts day by day. We have faith and we have the strength through God and we know whatever he is doing, it must be something great and something we can handle or he wouldn't let us go through all of this. He never meant for his children be in pain or hurt and cry, and one day there will be no more tears when we see him again. We have made a baby book for him and any and all of you are welcome to see it. I bit of a warning it’s graphic and some chose to keep the memory of Colton David as this blond hair, blue eyed handsome little boy, and that's ok if that's the memory you chose. But showing off his pictures and talking about how amazing he was is sort of our way to heal and deal with all that has taken place in the last few weeks. Every parent wants to show off there precious gift from God and so do we. All we have are pictures, but they are amazing pictures at that. We want to show off our beautiful son, to embrace what he did the short time he lived here on earth, to love him as our son that did amazing things and that still is teaching us a lesson even though we may not want to learn it at times now. We will always have a beautiful picture of Colton David in our head, the beautiful memories, and the amazing love. Brad and I being with him talking to us as though everything was fine, he is and will always be our son Colton David. ;)