Don't think I am very good at this Bogging thing

, just food for thought... I have no idea how my posts got out of order or what is going on. I had written today a few thoughts of what I have really learned and what God has taught us as a whole, and especially me as an individual over the past heartaches, issues, and curve balls that were thrown our way. I wish that I could get all of my thoughts back in order and if any one reading this, knows how to do that, then let me know! I would be greatly appreciative of it! Again, ALL of this is just my thinking and what I have learned personally, and what I am still learning. I know I am no expert and I have lots of things still to learn. I do know that God has been my right hand man and without him, I wouldn't even be possible, none of us would, nor would my growth. I love you all and thank you for reading and getting inside of my head and maybe it helping comfort yourself or passing it along to someone else you know that may be dealing with some of these struggles or any really. After all, we are ALL called to be brothers and sisters in Christ and that we are to love one another and lean on one another through the good times and the bad. I love you all.

In the Beginning...: Hey Guys...Wow I haven't posted in a while,...

In the Beginning...:





Hey Guys...
Wow I haven't posted in a while,...: Hey Guys... Wow I haven't posted in a while, there has really been alot going on! Most of it has been surprisingly good, although the ...

You don't have to be a druggie to be addicted?

I had gotten bad, but had let go. I told God that I was done. I was mad and angry, but decided to get on board with him and stop trying to do it my way. You know, you don't have to be a druggie or alcoholic to be addicted, to need help, to be so far lost that you end up losing everything? You just have to have something that destroys you, something that you need so badly you will do anything and everything to get that one thing no matter what it cost you, even if it's your life.It was rough, but after a few months, I recovered. Brad got back his wife, Hailey got back her mom, and I became happy again. I admit I didn't attend any baby showers and I was fearful for a while, but I was ok. I was happy, I was at peace with God. Things happened the way Brad didn't want them to, but I got my child out of it, Hailey. Through that pain he went through, God gave me a child all along, I was just to naive to see it this whole time. I had always loved her and she was mine, but now she was my one and only and that was something that I now treasure no matter what. Well that may have been all that I needed, all that we needed, was to let go and let God. We quickly found out I was pregnant again, this time it was all God. Something that they said couldn't be done was done. I was pregnant and naturally pregnant. We didn't tell many, but we had to begin all of the shots, medications, and so fourth again. This time I was ok with doing all of that, I was doing what the unexpected brought. I was nervous, I cried, I didn't want it now. I admit I had gotten ok with the idea, and now look what happened? Maybe that is all I needed to do, all we needed to do. Is trust God and have faith that he knows our desires and wishes, but they will come as he plans not as we do. Things went very well. We told all and Hailey announced the news, we figured this was not us trying this was the impossible, something happened that couldn't be done without help had been and we were eager and waiting for this miracle from God. We had great check-ups, and we went every two weeks because of so many problems to make sure things were going all right. Things looked up, we cried out to God that if this is what we are suppose to do, then great, but whatever happens, its because its your will not ours. I began to get big very quickly and things seemed great, then at 10 weeks, I begin to miscarry again or so I thought. I was ok though, Brad was a bit upset, but I think more for me and he didn't want to see me go through more pain, especially after all of the wrestling and finally coming to a peace.We went to the doctor prepared to hear the news that we were so accustom to. I was ok, a bit upset that I had finally let go and was ok not to have children of my own? I thought that's mean to tease me, but if God gave us this then he will use it for good, everything will be ok. It turned out Lupus was a factor, I had a large sub chronic hematoma.There was nothing they could do, it didn't seem to bother the baby and the baby seemed content, so that was all that mattered to me. The SCH could either reabsorb into my body, bleed out, or it could rupture the placenta. We were going for the first two and the second option seemed to be what it was doing. I thought I was ok and I was at peace. You don't expect to see bright blood during pregnancy, especially lots of it and for the whole nine months you are pregnant, but I was ok. What happens, is what is suppose to happen. I don't know if it was so much me trusting and believing is God as it was me just thinking the same thing will happen to be prepared? Maybe both, but I was ok. Well for the next month I was pregnant alright. Large, sick and happy. I seemed almost too large, at 12 weeks, Hailey accepted the Lord and that was the greatest thing ever, the baby that was due in January of 2011 that seemed to be our miracle baby was ok despite the problems, and big sister was accepting God. Two of the biggest things that I will never forget that made this mommy so proud that I will always remember that day. Well at 14 and a half weeks, we went in for a checkup and I was ok as was Brad, everything that seemed not normal was ok, but the baby wasn't. I was already 2 cm dilated and we had planned to visit my doctor, go meet a specialist, and then head to the beach. Well instead I had to stay and we had to plan a D&C, it was too big for me to be in that pain and I already was starting to feel it. I was scheduled to go into surgery at 6am that next morning, instead I went into labor at 2am and by 6am I was in so much pain that I didn't want to let go, but I didn't want to suffer. I still thought my baby was ok, God intervened right? It was a miracle baby right? Why did he calm my nerves, calm Brads, get Hailey and everyone else excited, and then take another baby away from us, a fourth one. I remember we were both very upset, me because I kept telling the doctors that baby is ok, I just saw the baby kicking and moving around the other day, save him, don't worry this pain is just the SCH. Brad was upset I think more for me because I was in denial. Why? I think it is hard to lose a child no matter if its age, that is your child and I was hurt and went through many emotions and held nothing back. I admit I was very depressed, very angry, very hurt after letting go. I had found out that I hadn't fully let go, that God was still testing us. I went under at 8 am after much pain and contractions, and woke up to more pain than I had ever experienced in my life. What was going on? I had had a D&C before and it was simple, I was ready to leave as soon as I woke up. I dose in and out and felt so badly. When I finally awoke enough to see Brad, he told me that things went terribly wrong. The simple procedure turned into much more, I begin to bleed to death so a c section was in order and that was done, The bleeding miraculously stopped and all was ok for now. I was ok, still wanting my baby, the one that was ok the one that was sent to me as a wonderful surprise after giving up and moving on. Brad was upset more over me, he said enough is enough and that is all he could do. After I heard all of the horror stories of what was going on and how Brad felt, I said that I was done. No more. I knew that it wasn't worth my life just to have this baby I had wanted. Why did God do this was my only question? Why tease us? Why get us so far? Was he serious? We became closer to one another and to God and saw that he was teaching us many more things through all of this and it wasn't just for us. He was drawing us closer and closer to him and that's what he wanted. Even though it was in pain and heartache this was the only way he could jerk us to be more like him, to show and teach others about how amazing he is, about how to grow closer and become more like him. It is not the best way to learn a lesson, but when you think of your suffering, have you ever thought about his? He is still suffering with us, he is just taking us down a road that will only create a more powerful healing if we just hold on to what he is handing out and showing us.We still get upset, but he has taught us so much through all of this. Babies were just not in our plans and while that's the hardest thing ever, it's ok. It has to be because it is his will, not ours.

Testing.. how wonderful? Anything to "Fix Me"...

We begin the series of testing.. yes there was alot of pain and alot of crying because there were many needles, and many emotions going through us both at that point. We wanted to know if we were doing something wrong, then how do we fix it. The whole time we didn't realize, especially me that it wasn't something that we could fix, it was something that was trying to fix us. This whole time, we were the ones that needed to be fixed. God was trying to show us that we are going about it all wrong, we are not doing what we are suppose to, we are not following his plans. We are not doing what he wants us to do. We really were awakened to see that God was trying to bring us peace and joy and comfort, but not through our plans, but through his. After weeks of testing, we found out there were alot of reasons why babies were not working for us. None of which were Brad's and that was hard on us both. He wanted to fix the situation and I wanted to fix myself to bring us both what we longed for. Through all of the testing, they found many things that contributed to my miscarriages. They found the gene for Cystic Fibrosis, they found that I had APS which is a form of the disease Lupus, they found out I had thyroid disease which is a big factor in baby formation, and the list continued on top of my heart and congenital defects. It was hard to stomach all of that. I blamed myself for it all, I was the one that was broke, I was the one who kept killing our babies, I was the murderer. We got a new game plan together, one that said that worked 50 % of the time. They said Lupus would be my biggest competitor and that Lupus women there was no safe zone. It is a horrible disease that can attack anything foreign in your body and that includes a baby, no matter whether it is 4 weeks old or 40 weeks. I thought, oh great, I was struggling to get to 12 weeks, now I have to get to the actual holding of my baby to make sure he or she is ok? Pregnancy was no longer a joyous thing for us, something that is suppose to be fun, was turning into a nightmare. We really had to regroup and do this all a different way. We decided that God would allow us to have one if it was in his will, all we could do is what we could do, the rest was up to him. We really did a 360 and really turned to God and I think that is were we were going wrong in the first place. Children are a gift from him, they are his and not ours, we are only allowed to parent and raise them until he calls his children whether it is at an infant or when they are 80 years old. We let go and let God.. so we thought. I begin a series of medications including pills, shots, and everything in between including the fertility treatments. We gave up and said we will do this but if it is meant to be, than it will be if not, Hailey may be our only blessing and that's ok that's just something we will deal with, especially me. The medications and shots were alot more than what we thought and what we could handle. Brad was not happy about the marks they were leaving and the pain they caused at first. I don't know if it was pain from the medications and needles, or pain that I was doing all of this just for a baby, why me? A wise man once told me during all of this, is it really worth it? Have you ever considered that you are so addicted that this has become a drug that's literally destroying your body and your life? Why are you putting yourself through all of this? Is it worth it to loss everything to gain something even if it means losing the greatest thing that God placed on this earth and in our life's, you? I decided to quit all after that. It wasn't worth it if my husband was that upset. I thought what have I done? I have destroyed something amazing that I had, why was I not looking to God instead of what Kasey wanted? I had decided to give up shortly after beginning. I thought I am done, as much as I want children, its not worth be losing some amazing things that God did place in my life. Why not just let go? Why not see that I have everything I need and if adoption is the choice, even though that child is not mine, it will be saved and loved and accepted and have a far better life than it could ever imagine. So I quit.... I told God that I am done fighting and I am going to do what I am suppose to, it was all up to him, show me what to do? My addiction has to stop...

Third time is Always a Charm.. Right?

Third time seemed to be golden. The doctors said that it would happen, we had the medical mixture and figured three strikes your out, so this had to be it, this had to be the perfect home run hit! We got pregnant and found out our baby was due in August 2010.. Brad and I even went to the beach, just to get away and have time to ourselves to really just focus on us on what was happening on why it all was happening so fast and what could we do to stop it. The doctors say that a few were normal and most woman had two or three and that was normal? Are you kidding? Well we were holding our breaths, we just had to get to 12 weeks, We were at 10 weeks now.. one more than last time, and two more to go! Come on baby, you can do it! I was so determined that this baby was going to work and that I was going to make sure it worked. Well it did! We got to 12 weeks and had our check-up. All was well and baby was fine! We were so excited! We made it! After all of the heartache, pain, and every emotion in between, we did it! This baby was golden. The doctors said we could relax, and we did! We told everyone! Hailey was 8 years old and she was so excited! She was too young to really grasp the first one, and the second one she never knew about, but the third she did and there were signs of it! She seemed really happy and said a brother was all she wanted and hoped that was what it was! Well things were going great! And then it happened... 12 weeks and a day or two, it happened again.. it happened so fast and in a blink. By this time, I was a nutcase! I was so upset and thought this was it, the doctors said to relax, what happened? What did I do, what can we do? There is so much that goes through your mind and everyone is different. I don't know if it is something that I was trying to hard for or if it was something that God just didn't want me to have. I will admit Brad handled it better than I and Hailey probably thought we were just lying to her. Kids don't understand, when an adult tells you something will happen, then it usually happens, so it was hard for us to tell her that there would be no baby. That the baby was too little and couldn't make it. She seemed upset, but I don't know if it was for us, or for her? By this time I was blaming God! He did this to me! He knew my heart and what I wanted and he was the one being mean! He was the one taking these babies from me! I did everything I could to have them and he was messing my plans up! My dreams, my life play book! We fought and that third baby was the hardest thing for me to do! I decided that I got more closure to have it naturally. The doctor said it would be painful, but I was ok with that! I needed to see this baby as if I was going to be the medical examiner and fix my problems and determine what happened because it certainly wasn't me doing it! I was doing everything right. I was not in the wrong, Brad wasn't either, we did all we could! It was alot different and alot more painful but I delivered it naturally. This time it was a baby, it wasn't jello so it was harder. I think in a gory way I needed to see that baby and needed to know that I was making babies, they weren't in my imagination, but I really did want that baby and it was hard to see the little bitty fish like creature, but that was my baby. That night Brad and I looked at the features, even though hard, we joked and said that we wanted a blue eyed baby and got a black eyed baby. Of course, they all were black dots at this point. We were now looking for answers! Doctors said after three.. well we have had your set number of three miscarriages, although babies to us, to you we have now met your statistics.. now fix it...

What? I need help to have a baby?

It's hard when you see all of these girls and woman who are pregnant or walking around with a newborn. The more that you want something, and the harder it is for you to achieve it, the more you begin to see what you want and what you can't seem to get yourself. There is always a reason, a purpose, and a plan that God has for us all and I know that, it's just hard to sit back and wait for his plan, as perfect as it is, we are only human and want things when we want them and I was no different than anyone else. We tried and tried for children, something that seemed so simply, turned out not to be. Eventually we had decided that help was needed in order for me to have children so thus the fertility testing, treatments, and monitoring began. After a few months, everything seemed to click and I became pregnant with our first child. We had never been so excited and were thrilled beyond belief that all of that work finally had paid off and we, too, were going to get to experience a child of our own. We thought we were indispensable and creating the baby was the task, so now that it was done, of course we were going to share the news with everyone. Why wait? We have waited forever to get a baby, we have one so let the celebration begin.. Our baby was due April 2008. We had never been so excited, even to see a circle with a dot couldn't hold us back! Hailey was five and she seemed excited, even though she didn't really have a grasp yet on what was going on. We found out July 2007 and August, just a few weeks later, I started to miscarry. We called the Doctor on call, the one who had helped give us such a blessing, was now meeting us to confirm what we thought was the impossible. It was the hardest thing that I had ever had to do, Brad had a hard time too. I was feeling so many things. Anger, Bitterness, Hate, and everything in between. I had never seen the both of us so upset, why was this happening? What did we do? Why was God being so mean, we are married, have a home, vehicles, and can provide for this baby and are ready to with an extra room and everything. It was hard and there was a lot of emotions, crying, hurt, and everything in between. The doctor asked us what we wanted to do, Brad said it was up to me. I just wanted that dead baby out, I didn't care how, but quick and in a hurry. I thought that by removing that baby, I would be ok, that it would seem like a dream and nothing would bother me and I could go back to normal. Well that certainly wasn't the case at all. I was more upset, more empty, more mad than ever before. Of course I then see more of my friends and family with babies or pregnant bellies, what is happening? Well we both were given the option of trying again and the doctor would start me on the mixture of fertility drugs that seemed to work for me or wait, we decided that we wanted a baby and that the quickest way to forget and move on was to have another. It was still early, so it wasn't so bad, we both had alot to deal with and at our own time and in our own way, but we were ok to move forward.

Hey Guys...
Wow I haven't posted in a while, there has really been alot going on! Most of it has been surprisingly good, although the world wouldn't think of it as so great, I am thinking of it as being wonderful! I feel as if I am truly finally getting this thing, finally figuring out what in the world God is doing to me, to us, to my family! At times, I still have my fleshly moments and feel like I will always have them, because while I am trying my best to always live and strive to to be more holy, I am only human still. 
This past May was one that I was dreading and really just wanted the whole month to pass by in the blink of an eye and really never surface. That would have been great.. in my mind at least.. but that wasn't what the Lord wanted to happen. Colton's birthday was May 11, which would have meant a whole weekend of celebration! Could you have imagined? If our precious baby boy was still here, we would have been broke after a miracle babies first year of life! While we reminisce about what could have been and what we think, should have been, we begin to realize what really is.. and what IS is GOD! He has a perfect plan for our lives, our ENTIRE lives from beginning to end and he is the creator of all living things and he is the father of all things, who are presently here, and who have gone on! On that Wednesday, May 9th, we went to our first doctors office to see our new baby, the baby who had comforted me and who have really put my mind to ease with Colton's  mark of one year begin gone. Yes, I was pregnant again.. a 6th baby, one that I thought was gold, but then I'm always hopeful for all of my babies, that one, one day, one that will be THE ONE, the one that makes it and the one that we have prayed over to actually be.
 This visit was a visit that was like no other. We had already gone to two visits and that have given us nothing but bad news.. no baby, ectopic, etc.. something wasn't right. The dates were not measuring with what "should have been" there already seen with a visible eye. With our strength and our trust in the Lord, it seemed and was different. Not to say that I had not trusted in the Lord, but ever since Colton, I have had a different outlook on life! Colton was here for a while to really do more than any of us could have ever done! He brought his parents closer than ever before, really allowed his sister to step out, accept God and really dive into her faith and love for Christ. So many people where changed and so many people are still changed by Colton. I am able to talk with people, to share with people, to love on people about what they are going through and at the end of the day, still able to praise his name for HIS plans and not mine. I had never been able to do that before TOTALLY and COMPLETELY! I had so much run through me in any given day; hate, anger, jealously, resentment, sadness, joy, etc... the list is never ending. 
That whole month of May should have been a nightmare, but it really wasn't. We just trusted in the Lord and knew that he had a plan. Of course we wanted a baby, we still do, very much so, but it will be on the Lords timetable and not ours! I have come to the realization and have had to cope with that and it is something that has not been easy at all. It is something that I have to wrestle with and deal with daily. I have to let go and let God because if I don't, its not a pretty picture at times. After many visits, and many days of the doctors telling us yet again, there is no hope. Sure there is hope. There is always hope in the Lord, with trust and faith in the Lord, anything imaginable can happen. Anything BEYOND a science mind or what should be. Well after a month of all of this, we go in and see the little baby, the one that had not been there for weeks. Looked healthy, happy and fine what we knew all along. Sadly a week later we went back because although there was growth and a baby that mysteriously appeared, there was not a heartbeat, it had went away and sadly on fathers day we lost our sixth child. Are did we lose the child really? The child, all of the children, are not ours to begin with, but his. He merly grants us the privilege of raising the children as they should be, training them to do well, training them to be disciples of Christ. We are all called to Christ someday, just some of us sooner than others. 
Ironically, I have gone through everything that is possibly imagined to go through, natural losses, surgical losses, c sections that went terribly wrong, and of course the birth of Colton. 
When you think of everything that has happened to us in the past six years when we began this journey of parenthood, we would have never have thought that this all would take place. But it has, and it has taken place for a reason, a reason that I am starting to sort of see the light to. We have joked for the past few years saying that triplets would be nice, to get one nice, happy, successful pregnancy out of the way and in one shot, and four of the kids that we have always wanted, there is always that chance and maybe the Lord will answer that prayer, but if not, it is something that he has already cooked up and he already has had it in the crock pot baking whatever our journey he has for us is. After all, I wasn't suppose to be here, science didn't give me 8 hours, let alone 28 years! LOL
 He is such a good God, one that I have truly learned from, one that I have had many nights, battles, tears, etc with, but one that always allowed me to come to him and come back to him no matter how mad or hurt I had gotten. He is certainly what has kept me sane and he has been my rock. I still have moments to where I wonder what in the world would we have done with seven kids, what our lives would be like, and then I think.. If it was meant to be, then it would have been perfect! 


I think of children all the time, but I think of them and how there are so many here that I am able to love on and show affection to. There are children all around us that we love, many are friends children, some are family, but all children are precious and to have those smiles, laughs, and times with them just makes you really enjoy what you have. I have had to look back and really place myself out of the equation. I have so much to be thankful for, so much that I have been given, and that is why I am at peace finally.


 I have finally realized that I don't need children, it is simply a want. I don't have to have them or crave for them, they simply are all around me very freely giving out their love, hugs, and smiles. I don't have to go though all of the pain of losing children, instead I embrace the experiences, learn from them, and teach others and mentor to others that are going through losses themselves and how they will survive and teach them that  there will be hope at the end of the tunnel. I don't have to fuss that so many that I know seem to not deserve children or even want them have them every year it seems and be angry towards them for getting as many as they wish no matter how badly they live their lives, instead I must pray for them and smile even some to, for I know this is the only enjoyment they will get the short time they are alive on this earth, for when they pass on, they will not be able to be with their children for an eternity as we will. There is so much that I have learned, so much that I am learning, and so much that I still wish to teach myself through the Lords help that will allow me to embrace a half a dozen losses, and instead smile because God is working something great! I know this.. because the BIBLE told me so! 
So for the moment, I have really embraced what I have and remember what I was once given. I hold on to what memories I have and look forward to the ones that will soon come. I love life and enjoy it now more than ever though these heartaches then I ever have. Why? Because I have the most amazing teacher who kept on giving me the test even though I didn't want to take it, until I got it right. I have the most amazing supportive husband who has gone through what seems like hell and back, and still is with me and we are more in love now then we were seven years ago when we met.. most days... lol 
 They say that if you really live your life to the fullest and really study hard and really pay attention to the teacher and get what he is teaching you, then this earth will only be the hell you will ever have to endure. Same goes the opposite way, it could be the only heaven you embrace. So choose wisely, learn what is taught no matter how many times it takes (6), and always run back to the teacher to thank him for everything and you will be at so much more peace no matter what life will throw your way, and trust me I feel like it still is coming... Love you Guys 

I couldn't Have Said It Better Myself...

Taken From An Amazing Woman that I Got the Chance to Talk with.. There is no one like her and our minds are so much the same.. that I had to share this with you guys! This is us in a nut shell. ;)


Have you ever read the book of Job in the Bible? It's always been a book I struggled through and didn't really like. It's all about loss and unwanted advice from family and hurtful comments from friends and the reality of God being God. But it's the story every woman who miscarries can relate to. You know what I'm talking about. We've all heard--"That's just nature's way of getting rid of something that didn't grow right." and "It's not like you lost an actual child." And, from the 'churchfolk'--"You shouldn't feel empty. God is all you need." and "God needed your babies more than you did." What I like about the book of Job is that God didn't get mad at Job for asking questions and for wailing out his pain. But God did get mad at Job's friends who acted like they were speaking for God, like they knew why God did things and how God thought. When people make those comments and when they tell me how I 'should' feel, I just remember Job and those comments lose their sting completely (well, almost completely).


After every loss, I run from the world and fling myself into God's arms, and, like Jacob at Peniel, I 'contend' with God. It's not about anger, or at least, not only about anger. It's the whole process, the hope, the loss, the pain, the despair, the anger, all of it, start to finish. I contend with Him to settle things between us, to bring peace and healing to our relationship. I contend with Him because I can't move on with my life until I do. And so I leave the world behind and isolate myself with my God -- alternately clinging to Him and wrestling with Him, resting in Him and struggling against Him, crying out to Him and lashing out at Him. And, through the darkness, I refuse to let go. I won't let go because, although losing my babies wounds me, losing my God would destroy me. I can't let go because He is life and breath, and letting go would be the end of me. So I hold on until the light dawns, and then, at last, I surrender. I surrender to His will and to His incomprehensible love--a love that would sacrifice His own Son for me, but would still allow such awful pain and loss into my life. God's love makes no sense to me, that He would love me so deeply when I am so unworthy, and that He would hurt me so deeply when He loves me so much. But, in the light of a new dawn, my faith is renewed. My questions remain unanswered, but since "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Heb. 11:1)" that's what I hold on to--I have to believe there is a purpose, a good and loving and perfect purpose, that I can't see. I have to believe that or I couldn't live through so much loss. And, by believing that, I can put my questions aside until I get to heaven, and I can heal, and I can finally move on.

Half Way Back from a Much Needed Sabbatical...

1st Corinthians, 13: 4-8... Some of the best advice ever given to me was on a missions trip in college 8 years ago.. our Bible leader said make it with Every Effort put fourth that you have to live by this replacing the word "LOVE" with your name... It truly cannot be done by any human no matter who you are.. only by God every second of every day can he use his name as a replacement! ;) 

I have been on a Sabbatical for the past ten days, only twenty more to go where I have really made myself focus on my life, what it means, what I have been doing, and how to do it much better in God's eyes because I certainly haven't done a fabulous job here lately, and I know that to be a concrete fact as well as my wonderful hubby! I have met so many amazing people that God has brought into my life over night and just talking with them and hearing their stories, I am blown away by such an amazing support group that God has lead me to in getting the help I need through voices of reason, so to speak. lol  I would like to tell you a bit of what I have discovered upon my search in life and where I stand so here it all goes: 

Some of the times I go on, but I'm not living. I function, but at times its so hard to feel. It's the only way I can get through each day, pay the bills, clean the house, and a thousand other things that engage my body, but not my heart and mind. It amazes me that no one can see death in my eyes. They are so oblivious to what is really going on in side of my mind and no one sees the behind the scenes except for Hailey and Brad, oh how amazing are they! Everyone seems to have remained just the same, but with babies or huge bellies when I've been changed forever.  At times I just feel wounded and am wandering around like the living dead in the middle of the hottest desert and it sucks! Then comes the night, the quiet, stillness, and the pain. I am shattered. Somehow I can't share this pain. It's too overwhelming, too powerful. It doesn't have a voice, just a deep and broken moaning of the spirit, a silent communion of the soul with the very God who willed this path for me. Just talking with him and crying out to him is sometimes all I can do and I don't even know why? What is wrong with me? Why am I at this point to where it is a dull blur most days? Could it be because I am not going to have children of my own? That idea is out and that book is closed so why not get over it you say? As the Golden Girls stated in one episode, which I love by the way, they said they don't know what they feel, but then they feel it all; anger, resentment, hatred, love, compassion, sadness, etc.. The list goes on and on and will never end, so the only word for those moments are Mengenta.. an ugly color with no feeling, but yet every feeling imaginable.. Make sense? I think everyone, especially women have those Mengenta moments at times. Then I came across a dear friend who had said this and I couldn't have put it into better words of how I have felt and discovered on this ten day journey. She said I KNOW that God is good. I KNOW that God is wise. I KNOW that God is love. And I KNOW that God's will and purposes are formed in perfect goodness and perfect wisdom and perfect love. I know this, and I accept His purposes for my life. But that doesn't stop the pain. And that doesn't stop the questions. Why did He create life in me when I wasn't even trying to conceive and then wait just long enough for me to fall in love with my babies and then take them right out of my womb? Why?

Loss after loss I've asked the same questions. And loss after loss I've received the same answer--Trust Me. Love Me. I am here. Yes, I trust You. Yes, I love You. Yes, I know that You are here. But...
Do you ever want to ask God to leave you alone? To let you live your life in peace? I do, or at least a part of me does. A part of me wants to beg God not to teach me His ways, not to mold me to His likeness, not to use me in His service. But then I think, what would life be like without Him? Would there be less pain? I don't think so, life is painful, with or without Him. I just wouldn't have Him to comfort, guide, and carry me. Would there be more peace? No, life is chaotic, with or without Him. I just wouldn't have Him to shelter me in the storms. Would there be more hope? Impossible, life is short and has a clearly marked dead-end without Him. He is hope. He is my only hope. Without him I couldn't and wouldn't get through my days. Without him I wouldn't enjoy a child's laugh, a baby's giggle, a beautiful masterpiece painted in the sky. The way the wind sways the trees, the way the animals in my yard all harmonize if you listen carefully and closely enough. So many things that I would miss if I didn't have the hope I do. The hope that I will get through this and that God is teaching us an amazing lesson, the hope that Hailey, Graham, and Braelyn will continue to love me just as they do their "biological" parents. Hope that my husband will continue to talk with me and walk me through all of this and as we are hand and hand on this journey, to love, cherish, and embrace one another that we are not alone in this and that we have one another to amazingly pull us through this pit. There is so much hope to have and hope to give as I have learned from so amazing people this past month so far. I know that I will be fine and that we will have ourselves, our lives to continue writing a blessed story and that while we will never be our old selves again, we will be new and renewed spirits, ones that are continuing and striving to be more like Christ each and every second of every day and maybe that is the grandest lesson of all. :)

My Mommy is a Survivor

My Mommy is a survivor, Or so I've heard it said. But I can hear her crying, When all others are in bed. I watch her lay awake at night, And I go and hold her hand. She doesn't know I'm with her, To help her understand.  But like the sands upon the beach, They never wash away . . . I watch over my surviving Mommy, Who thinks of me each day. She wears a smile for others . . A smile of disguise. But through Heaven's open door, I see tears flowing from her eyes. My Mommy tries to cope with my death, To keep my memory alive. But anyone who knows her, Knows its her way to survive. as I watch over my surviving Mom, Through Heaven's open door . . . I try to tell her, angels protect me forever more. I know that doesn't help her . . Or ease the burden she bares. So if you get a chance, talk to her . . And show her that you care. For no matter what she says . . No matter what she feels. My surviving Mommy has a broken heart, That time won't ever heal.

Kay Des'Ormeaux

The say that the Lord weeps with you in your pain as well as the angels, not because they are saddened by what pain and hurt you are going through, but are sad because they know the amazing things that await one who endures these trials and they know the blessings that will come. The hardest thing for them to do is to sit back and wait and watch because they want you to be happy, to be full  of tears of joy, even though it's not time to reveal them to you yet! 

I look up in the sky each evening and I picture all of those guys up there, sitting on their clouds, looking down on me. thinking about how amazing the day will be when that day comes and we are all rejoicing! :)

Here's A Little Note That I Thought Was So Sweet.. ;)

Only for a minute . . .

If I could take a minute out of each and every day, To hold my children close to my heart and kiss their fears away! If I could take a minute out of each and every week, to play with blocks and peek-a-boo, tag or hide and seek! If I could take a minute of any span of time, I'd never waste a second of the pleasures that were mine! If they could crawl upon my knee and lay their sleepy heads, upon my shoulders tenderly and dream of gingerbread! I'd spend my time in total bliss and watch my small children grow, from babyhood to childhood, knowing all their is to know!
If I could stop my aching heart and put my mind asleep, If I could stop the flow of tears that are always on my cheek! I only need a minute, Lord, I know they're safe with you But there's something real important that I had no time to do! If you could do it for me Lord, here's a message they should know, tell them that I love them and then I'll never let their sweet memories go . .Until we meet again my precious Angels, know that Mommy loves you so!

Sitting on the Sidelines...

My last chance at children and I feel as if I have blown it, failed. As a woman, as a mother, as a spouse, and as a person that is to contribute towards society.  All of my family and friends have children, most even multiples  and I am still left cold and empty handed. There are no words to describe my hurt and pain. There are so many emotions that have gone though me these past five months and each one has been different and at each given moment. I am almost like a ticking bomb that explodes whenever and where ever. One minute I am fine and ok with the fact that we have been through the conceiving thing, the adoption thing, every thing in between and nothing. Disappointment after disappointment and still .. there is nothing to show for it but scars and hurt and pain both physical and emotional. I see so many pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and even adoption announcements that I can do nothing but cry out in pain for the Lord to heal my broken heart. Every time that I do joke or have something funny to say, I always get bashed with it being the wrong thing because of people taking it the wrong way. Well if I can't have children, might as well joke about it and have a good laugh because I have had way too many good cries and am about done with those. The Lord says that going through this pain will only make me stronger and only create me to become more like him and better molded to the image that he wants me to be. I think often about Mary seeing her baby boy on the cross, doing something that was so unbearable, so hurtful, but he did it because that's what he was called to do while she sat there. I hear whispered in my ear quite often, your not the only one who lost your only son, I have also I watched my son be beaten and then die while I just stood there helpless and afraid. I wept just as you have, but I have seen the end result and its something that I can't see just as Mary couldn't see at the time either. All things work together for good and I know that there is a magnificent blessing that is going to arise out of these tears, ashes, and scars one day. I may not see it here on earth, but I will see it one day, none the less and I can't wait for that day. I am happy for everyone who is able to be as blessed as the Lord allowing them his children while we are here on earth to raise, mold, and love. I really have to deal in my own way with everything that has happened recently, but in time, I will deal. No it won't go away, and as my support group says, it could be twenty years from now and I suddenly begin to weep for Colton and the other babies, but I will be ok because I ask God to allow me to draw strength from him and he has allowed me in magnitudes at times. If I am not able to see you, to talk to you, or to be around you; please don't take it personally and don't think that I am being rude or hateful. It's just the opposite. I love you guys so much to stay away and to allow you your happiness and your time of becoming that grand role of mommy. The Lord has a hand in this, just as he has all along. I am so happy to talk about Colton and I am so in love with him and love to share him with everyone as crazy as that sounds, but please don't pay any attention to my emotional roller-coaster as  I don't even know the ride myself. Some of my closest and dear friends are in these stages, one being my very best friend since before words; and I write this to you guys to let you know that I love you all and am happy for you no matter how you take it or I seem to dish it out, you guys are going to do so well with your pregnancies, adoptions, and babies and I am praying for you guys and can't wait to see those amazing gifts from God.. depending upon the day, time, hour, and possibly even the second... ?!?!?

Where To Go From Here?

I called Uva today to see about Colton's test and what may have came back and anticipate us talking with the Doctors at Uva soon to sort of see what has been happening and what has been going on. There couldn't be anything further possibly that I have, but then again you never know. I think the test results will come back just as the Lupus being the cause of poor Colton's heart to stop although I am hoping for something else, something that my body, for once, did not do. Brad said he hopes for answers as well so that we will have a definite anwser, but in my mind, the answer is Lupus and there is nothing more than can be done about that terrible disease other than to pray and know that God made me so fearfully and wonderfully that I wouldn't want it any other way. He allowed me to have these issues and with them, they will only make my walk with him stronger and that much more desirable.  Its a 50/50 shot, and I have been on the other side of the 50 all 5 times. It is hard when I walk by and see pregnant woman or to hear the news of pregnancies which seem to occur on a weekly basics with my friends and family now, but I am healing and dealing with these things the best that I know how to and the best help I can get is to lean on the Lord and let him take over and guide my chaotic, whirlwind life and hold on for dear life because I know he is planning something grand, something beyond our wildest dreams and I can't wait until that day. As the Lord places us in these circumstances, he is only wanting us to grow and fall more deeply and whole heartily in love with him and we cannot be upset that the Lord wants us so close to him that he is allowing us to grow so deep and more in love through all of this pain and tragedy. When Brad and I talk about everything that has went on and where to go from here, we are at a stand still and the room is so quiet and dark. We know that there is not much that can be done!? Why? We want children, of course, to be called Mommy would be music to my ears and to have a little boy call Brad, daddy, would only complete the puzzle after Hailey being such a gift. Out of all of the hurt, confusion, despair, disappointments, etc we have come to this conclusion. We, as parents, have a precious daughter named Hailey, and for now we are ok. We are going to take all of the baby news in stride, behind close doors grieve, and in public spoil the amazing gift that we have to the maximum and when Hailey is at school or isn't with us, then we will ride motorcycles, travel, seeing the world. There is nothing better than being on the back of a bike with no where to go, looking at nature, and listening to God. God and I have had many fights, many arguments, many laughs over the last few weeks, but all and all he is telling me to wait my precious child. Wait for what is coming to you, enjoy Hailey and spoil her. Look at it this way you got the best end of the deal, Hailey was three when you came into the Mommy role. You just so happened to miss not having your beauty sleep, the dirty diaper, the puking, the crying and all that came along with a little one. All you have to do is enjoy her, love her, and borrow her clothes every now and again. LOL And as for Graham and Braelyn, those two are amazing kids, that over this past summer, I have gotten to know so well, as for Brad. Spoil them, love them, and send them back home when they are tired and cranky and then hop on the bike and travel with your sweet partner in life. So when we look at it, we look at a HUGE loss, a HUGE puzzle piece that is missing in our lives, 5 pieces to be exact, but we have so much to be thankful for, to love on, and to cherish. We are going to talk with the specialist soon to see if answers are given, but for now, in our lives we will love our precious gift. If the results come back and something is found, we will know and be at peace, especially me, but if not, we will know that the only children that we are to have are those three angels here on earth and those five angels we will see again some day and that is OK with us! Showers will still be probably a no for us, and pregnant woman will be something we will avoid when possible, not out of hate, but out of love for them to have their moments, their precious bellies, their new life being created. Don't get us wrong. We are so happy and so amazed when our friends become pregnant and it takes A WHOLE LOT of Jesus for us to deal mentally and me physically with the nine months that follow that news. But God will give us the strength to congratulate, to see pictures, and to catch up on the phones with the happy couples. It's more hard for me to see a belly, and for Brad, a little boy running around, but time will pass and we will be soon caught up in our lives and how amazing it will be; Hailey's first car, prom, wedding, and grand babies 100 years from now! Life is grand, and we are happy that we are able to serve the Lord through all of this. To love him and have him as our strength and refuge. There is nothing sweeter than knowing that this life is only a temporarily one and that one day soon, the best life that we can imagine will come and we will be in Heaven! So until then.. We have So Much Love For Everyone while we are here on this earth ;) and we wish you nothing but the very best that this life can offer. Just remember to look to Jesus for each and every little thing; and when your at the mountain top, be sure to wave at us and enjoy what all God has blessed you with, love it and cherish it and thank him dearly for it all, and when you have to go through the valley, just remember you are all learning and getting that much stronger and that much more Christ like!

God Babies are God's Gift of Life

Well, the kid thing seems to be out and I admit I have my good days and I have my bad days. I really am much better through this and all that God has taught me! If nothing else, I have learned to rise above the ashes and look at all the beauty in the mist of things and thank God for what I have been giving because it has been quite a lot to be honest. I admit I still have lots of learning to do and I really don't think he is ever completely finished with us, because we as humans, are never going to be that Holy and Godly person that God calls us to be until our end. I do love Hailey more than life itself and I am so glad that God chose her and placed her in my path, in our path, because she is so amazingly strong and wonderful! She sometimes helps me through some of life's toughest questions when I can't even put the pieces together. A year or two ago we were asked by an amazing couple if we would consider taking on the responsibility of god parenting. Well Brad and I were sat down but of course with those two, it wasn't a very hard idea or concept to think about, it was an immediate yes. Jerry and Amy are a one of a kind and I love them just as much as I love my own family. We have so much fun together; laughing, loving, and just enjoying life that who wouldn't want to be a part of their family? And to have those two precious gems granted to us and for them to know that they trust the lives of Graham and Braelyn with us is the utmost highest honour and we couldn't have been any happier. I have spent lots of time with them this year and having them around, especially when Hailey is not here, really does help with everything. Those three babies are the light of my life and as I was talking with God, and when we chat, each time he comes back with a simple answer. I gave you three beautiful babies, yes I understand that is not how you wanted it to work out, but none the less they are three amazing beings that I trusted you to mother become that mother figure in their lives. Hailey, Graham, and Braelyn are amazing and I need you to take what I am giving you, and be still and know what I am doing is only because I need to you focus on the babies you have on Earth, the babies I have are fine with me, much better off then living in this cruel world. God understands what I desire, what I want, but sometimes he isn't going to give it to us because it may not be in his plan. It may not be in the great scheme of things that he has in store for us. And when I look back on life, I see the most amazing things and why they happened and how they happened are most of the time so much better than what I wanted in the first place. Whew I know that is a handful, but a truthful handful for us all. :)

New Life...

After that tragedy, and finally coming to terms that babies were no longer an option. We begin to look at other ways. Maybe God wanted us to save someone else? Being a woman, I wanted to see what I could make, what my husband and I had made four times over the years, who's facial features, expressions, etc does the baby have so I wanted a surrogacy mother. When Brad began to do the research, I think it was easier for him because it wasn't endangering his wife, but it was making his wife happy and that's what he had wanted all along. Brad wanted a baby, but he wanted it to be safe. I wanted to see "us." So after lots of looking, we had decided that although it was extremely expensive, that was well worth it and we would save our money no matter how long it took.We begin to see the different routes God may be leading us down and they all seemed to be what he wanted because people began to fall into place, and help begin to fall into our laps as to the steps of surrogacy or adoption, whichever we were able to do the quickest. I had learned through adoptive parents how it was our child, it wasn't any different and they were all blessings, so whatever we could do was what we were, wherever God lead us. We were ok with this idea, and getting more excited because our hearts were being worked on and we were beginning to see what we were suppose to do, or so we thought. I began a new job, Brad had a new business, we were saving up for a baby. It seemed funny, but sometimes, we achieve the same things, just in different ways, ways that God planned, ways that are not ours. We may not love it, but the more we ask God to show us, the more help we get, and then more excited we get. We decided that the summer of 2011 we would go to NC to the fertility centre to begin the surrogacy thing unless we were directed in the way of adoption before then. We were having a great Christmas, we were getting more excited, we were sharing our stories about how amazing God is, our strength, and what became of all of our heartache and pain. If nothing else, we will be able to grow closer to God, to each other, and towards seeing things from the way he wanted us to see them anyway. We had thrown everything baby away, medications, clothes, memories were stored up away, and we were ok even though there were days, as there will always be days of tears, but then there will be days of much laughter as well. So we were  getting better.

Babies.. oh my..

We started for our second. Everyone seemed upset, but it was something we dealt with and moved on. Maybe because we were a younger couple who could deal, maybe we had fought with God, had our battle, and figured that's what was to happen, that was the plan? I really don't remember how long it took, but getting back to normal things and putting it out of our minds seemed to work a little better. I still fight with God about why and what did I do and all those questions you deal with when you lose someone close to you, but it's not my place to demand an answer, I can ask, but that doesn't mean he has to answer me with a response. It's just my place to except and move on. Brad is an amazing man and just seeing him through that loss and helping me and us dealing with it together made all the sense in the world that God really does know what he is doing because he is heaven sent and just what I needed to help me, to be my life partner. We got pregnant again and were due February 2009. Yep, that mixture worked and worked well, we were a bit shaky and didn't tell many about the news so quickly. We wanted to hold off and not burden our family with another loss if that was what was in store. This time I made it to 9 weeks! I was a huge accomplishment for me, three weeks more, but still upsetting when the same things begin to happen. There were so many things going through our mind, we both thought was is going on, what are we doing. We are both young, happy, healthy, and life is good why is it throwing us the bad cards in the deck? We told no one and I decided that I would just have it naturally. It was a good idea for me, because to just take my baby the first time and for us not to have that closure was something we wanted, especially me at the time, but now when I look back it left us more empty. So delivering that baby at home, with just my husband was better for us. It wasn't much and really we saw nothing that resembled a baby, but the thought that no one took my baby, that the doctors and hospital didn't suction my baby out like a horror movie made us feel better, even thought the same emotions came through. It was alot better on us, but still hard. I guess the babies were tiny, almost just the circle you would see on the screen, so that wasn't as devastating to us. We decided to try once more. The doctors said that all of your fertility treatments could cause miscarriages and that it wasn't ever a 100% certainly there was always that possibility. Why was it happening to me? Come on this is the second baby. They said that they don't test anyone until after the third miscarriage becuase miscarriage seemed to be a common thing and that it was alot easier to miscarry than to have and keep a pregnancy. Are you kidding me? So we figured the third time was a charm and we were ready for a baby so badly. We begin the treatments again. Why would you say that I put myself and Brad through all of this? I guess it was a desire? Almost a drug? I have always been so determined and so stubborn and I was going to achieve the impossible. I have always managed to do so and this task was no different. I wanted a baby, I wanted to be a mommy, I wanted to experience pregnancy and life and all that in between. Yes Hailey was mine, but Brad got to experience that part not me. The pregnancy kicks, the birth, the 2am feeding's, and all that in between. I guess its just something a woman has to experience? She was put on this earth to procreate so why was it not happening. All of my friends and family were pregnant or on their second or third babies, why me? I started off wanting a full family, but now I just wanted one? Just one baby to call my own and say that's my blood, that's what my husband and I created, that's what I did. I wanted to be a parent, raise that child, and mold and teach that child everything that I knew. This was not easy and it was beginning to be a task, a task that we were not prepared for. A task that in lamins terms, sucked, and sucked pretty bad. I had alot of jealously and angry and hate as did Brad. We tried not to show it, it was much harder for me than it was for him. I felt like a failure. Why could I not do something that was suppose to be natural, something that I wanted to give my husband and myself, something that I was placed on this earth to do as a woman. I was mad at everyone, but was determined to prove everyone wrong...

Hailey's Feelings On Colton David..

Hailey found out through her Daddy calling her about her brother's heart stopping and the doctors not being able to save him. She wanted to come up right then to make sure we were ok, but she didn't want to really deal with Colton's death at the time. When we came home, she was a bit distant and with drawn, but over the past few weeks she has begun to deal with it all. She still asks questions and still sees us cry for no apparent reason, and she too shows emotion at time. For the first week or so, she had nothing to do with Colton or his death. The only response she had was, " If I'm so really angry with God and I don't like him right now and hate God for taking my baby brother that I wanted so bad, will God hate me for being so mad at him?" Our only response was, " Hailey, we are very angry and upset too at God, and that's ok to be mad and yell and scream at him he's a big boy and can handle it but, just as we get mad at each other in this family, we forgive one another and we have to forgive God and know he has a plan and that he did this because there is something greater and he loves us all very much." After that, she grabbed Colton's book and looked at it what seemed like for hours. We saw some tears, we saw many smiles, but she is dealing with it ok now. She asked for his blanket to keep safe with her and as long as she keeps it and takes care of it, it's hers. Her only memory of her brother that she has and we are glad she keeps it with her all the time. I hope it doesn't wear to rags lol, but am glad she is attached to something of her brothers. We think by processing, seeing pictures of Colton and knowing he was really her little brother has helped through all of this, whereas she was left out on the other four babies. She didn't see a little baby, feel a little baby, or talk as often about a little baby as we all have with baby Colton. She is an amazing child of God and we are truly blessed to call her our child. God has blessed us with one. She may be Brad's biological child, but she is my earthly child and I couldn't have chosen a more precious child to come into her life in such an instant and for us to be so happy even through the ashes, we will all rise above in beauty. ;)

The Calm after the Storm...

We are both doing ok. We have had lots of sad moments, but some happy ones too just thinking about our precious baby boy. We feel so very blessed and glad we were able to see our baby boy and hold him, love on him and experience it all. He was a precious baby and he was very big for his age. He looked great and he was very strong and seemed to smile the whole time. I'm not going to lie and say it was fine and we are all of because it is hard, we lost our son. We lost daddy’s little boy. Something he has always wanted and what I finally thought I could give him.. But we both know that all things work for the glory of God and his playground of angels had one more opening. It's also hard because of being put on bed rest this whole pregnancy because of my high risk pregnancy and having all these 5 months to bond with him and all the suffering and us being so far along and so close, but I'm glad we were able to do it all, to have that time and I am glad I was able to do natural labor. By the way, I've also had a c - section and I chose labor any day lol. But I'm glad I got to do it ALL. I wanted to give birth to a healthy baby, and that's just what the Lord allowed me to do, so why be upset? Wish our boy was here. It was a shock and it still is a shock, but God has better plans.. maybe quads?? Two of each double your rewards?? Just joking .. I wish.. not so much Brad's wish haha. God's got this and he's got us too.. It's just really hard because it was such a shock to go into a normal check up and find your son dead, a fifth baby gone, with nothing but emptiness and heartache and wondering why God is doing this to us? But then we think, God knows exactly what we are dealing with and going through. After all he lost HIS son too, and not in the peaceful way that we did ours! So we turn to him, as a father who had watched his son die just as Colton David did. It's hard because it will be another long recovery, probably more than usual with the others because he was our son, a son who had a name, who had a Dr. Seuss room, a big sister waiting, and now he too, is gone. At times I still think that he may be with us, sitting here feeling kicks, being sick, and all that I have been doing, but that’s just denial and the pain of being selfish and wanting him back with me. The room is silent and cold, when we should be waking up to at least Colton David cooing and crying if not five babies by now over all of these years. We don't know where to go from here, but there will be healing, some has already begun and each day we slowly understand why all this is happening, and slowly see God in this and in each of our tragedies even though it seems cruel that God would keep taking the one thing we both wanted so badly. Why get us so far and so excited and then pull it from under us without any warning or explanation you say? Well we have said the same thing over and over again. We are at a loss and baffled, but there’s not much we can do but just wait and pray that God heals our hearts day by day. We have faith and we have the strength through God and we know whatever he is doing, it must be something great and something we can handle or he wouldn't let us go through all of this. He never meant for his children be in pain or hurt and cry, and one day there will be no more tears when we see him again. We have made a baby book for him and any and all of you are welcome to see it. I bit of a warning it’s graphic and some chose to keep the memory of Colton David as this blond hair, blue eyed handsome little boy, and that's ok if that's the memory you chose. But showing off his pictures and talking about how amazing he was is sort of our way to heal and deal with all that has taken place in the last few weeks. Every parent wants to show off there precious gift from God and so do we. All we have are pictures, but they are amazing pictures at that. We want to show off our beautiful son, to embrace what he did the short time he lived here on earth, to love him as our son that did amazing things and that still is teaching us a lesson even though we may not want to learn it at times now. We will always have a beautiful picture of Colton David in our head, the beautiful memories, and the amazing love. Brad and I being with him talking to us as though everything was fine, he is and will always be our son Colton David. ;)

What is Happening?!

May 10th my husband and I went for a regular checkup, everything seemed fine, perfect almost that things had been going so well and continued to without showing signs otherwise. We were halfway there, 20 weeks in my pregnancy with our little baby boy Colton David and this being our fifth pregnancy, all ending in miscarriages, we were sure this one was golden. Well that Tuesday our UVA Specialist Dr couldn't find a heartbeat on the Doppler so he sent us down for an ultrasound. We all thought it just hard to hear. The machine was broken or something. Nothing is wrong, not this time, not now, we are soo close!!  Well the ultrasound confirmed that there was no heartbeat and she checked many times with Doppler, Heat waves, and looking at him frontwards, backwards, and sideways. His fluid was also low. So it was obvious, my water had broke.. I didn't realize that. They said at Uva I could do another D and C as I had with two of my babies in the past, but it would be next week before they could schedule it. The other option was to be induced and go into labor and deliver Colton David stillborn. We both chose that even though she said labor takes anywhere between 12 hrs and 48 hours to happen after induction began, but labor was it. Brad's thought it was so quick last time as soon as my body recognized the baby was dead it was hours later and then major labor pains began and he didn't want to be stuck at home and me in labor pains which was understandable. My reason I wanted to see what labor was like and what natural delivery was all about because all of my babies had been sucked from me like a horror movie with no closure, no sight that I had even been pregnant these past five years and I wanted to experience and see and hold my baby Colton David even though we knew there was no way to save him.. yes I'm crazy and even thought in the back of my mind if I deliver him I can save him. I remember telling the nurses that if they saw any sign of life, any breath in my baby boy, to please whisk him away to NICU, of course the nurses all agreed and said that they all would be watching. I've  been going in denial because every baby has been cut or c - sectioned out of me and I just got pain in the end, no closure, no seeing our babies, this baby was our son, a very special young man to us, he had already defeated the odds, and us both wanting a son, this was our baby boy. We wanted to see our son, our last chance to experience labor and brad coaching me and all that was involved in pushing and delivery. So we chose that they induced me we weren't thinking about a dead baby, we were thinking about the excitement of seeing our son, the excitement that every parent waits for to see and hold and have their child. That evening we went in to our room to prepare. I was hooked up to all of the monitors just as any mommy does, I had all blue wires and blue bands to represent a son on the way given and hooked up by our nurses. That evening it was 4pm and we had to wait for the doctor to come and begin induction. I admit it was a rough night for us because the doctor had to handle all of the mommy's coming into the hospital for delivery and to know we were waiting and hearing all of those new precious lives around us being born was a painful time. Finally the doctor came in at 10pm tues night and she saw before induction that I was already 1cm. Thank goodness we stayed. Dr said I've already started the process so may be quicker than a few days. Brad's only response was see I told you, and you wanted us to go home.. please.. lol. So they gave me a dash of potosin and natural seaweed to induce me at 10:03pm I was in labor not 15 or 20 mins and then hard labor hit and it hit hard, soon after at 1:33am I began to push. Brad said to hold on he was running to get the doctor because the doctor had not expected anything, but said that she would just check me around 2am just in case. I told Brad I couldn't wait. He didn't get around my bed before I delivered and Colton David was born at 1:37 that Wed. morning weighing 13.5oz and 21 cm.. It was labor, a wonderful, yet painful process. I will give it that, but it was quick and fast and I'm glad we did it all and got to experience the wonderful process of bringing a child into this world . Brad was great, much calmer than the last baby when I almost bleed to death and emergency surgery was performed. HA And ladies, I didn't get that epidural I said I was much earlier. The option was there, but did it natural so I was very proud of myself. Our nurses cleaned him up and took pictures for us, got foot prints, we named him and had our time with him just as any new parent gets with the birth of their child, seeing every little detail, talking with him, seeing who’s features he had, and just getting to know our son, then he was taken and we had him creamateded.... and came home that afternoon....